Monday, May 11, 2015

untitled (aka, ramblings)

 

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I went home for the weekend, and it was a delight to absorb the sunshine and the wide open sky. I took Amy riding, threw a Jamberry party with Hannah, went to (most of) Amy’s tenth birthday party, helped Dad with the last heifer to calve, spent time with my horse, and looked in awe upon all the beautiful mountains that I don’t see often enough anymore.

Tonight, I went to home group and, very typically, sat in the corner without saying a thing while everyone else engaged in an interesting debate on the topic of prayer. I wanted so much to participate but found I didn’t have anything to say that had not already been said. I am not the kind of person who processes information verbally; I can’t speak up in a group unless I have carefully thought over what I’m going to say. So I am perpetually “the quiet one” and tend to be talked over, for the simple and understandable reason that no one expects me to speak in the first place.

I wanted so much to participate, but I find that regular conversations move too swiftly for my slow-churning mind. I am still deep in thought about the initial statement when everyone else has moved on into debate. My mind works quickly, filtering through the information and making relevant connections and throwing out what is worthless, but my tongue is unwilling; not until my brain reaches a place of rest and satisfaction with its conclusion is my mouth ready to share it. And by then the moment of relevancy has passed by.

I don’t really know why I’m writing all this, except that this is how I process things—in writing. If only our two hours on Monday nights had a pause button so that I could write an essay on our topic of discussion in time to share my actual thoughts... If only there would be some occasion in my life when I felt like I “fit in” with a group instead of always meandering in the outskirts, mulling things over behind the scenes of those with quicker minds and tongues. Honestly there are times when I’m sure I must seem like a brain-dead mute.

I told my sister the other day that sometimes, I feel like I have no place in the world. That I feel lost and wandering, ever searching for the actual, non-cheesy, non-Sunday school answer reason that I exist. Her reply, at least, made me smile: “Hey, you know, that’s the first attribute of a superhero.”

I guess that’s one way of looking at it. ;)

5 comments:

  1. The little calf is so cute!! And the horses are beautiful!!

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  2. I feel like you wrote exactly what has been going through my thoughts. I've been attending a weekly girls bible study for the first time in my life, and I've really been struggling with the fact that I don't talk a lot. Most of the girls talk a mile a minute, (which I love, because I'm always learning, and I'm the youngest girl in the study currently, so I have a lot I can learn from these girls.) and I sit there quiet as a mouse, trying to form my fleeting thoughts into words that make sense, but by the time I form my sentence, everyone has moved on and it is no longer applicable. I worry (perhaps too much) that they will think I'm not spiritual or interested or something, when the problem is that my tongue and brain just aren't cooperating.
    "If only our two hours on Monday nights had a pause button so that I could write an essay on our topic of discussion in time to share my actual thoughts." YES YES YES!! That's one of the main reasons I blog. Because it's a place that I can fully form my thoughts for people. (and mostly for myself.)

    Anyway, this is a super long comment, but I was thrilled that someone understands and deals with this too. Sometimes I wish there were online bible study forums... (maybe there are and I just don't know about them.) where you discuss everything through writing, because then I would be much more comfortable and able to participate.

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  3. "Tonight, I went to home group and, very typically, sat in the corner without saying a thing while everyone else engaged in an interesting debate on the topic of prayer. I wanted so much to participate but found I didn’t have anything to say that had not already been said. I am not the kind of person who processes information verbally; I can’t speak up in a group unless I have carefully thought over what I’m going to say. So I am perpetually “the quiet one” and tend to be talked over, for the simple and understandable reason that no one expects me to speak in the first place." -- This is how I feel pretty much EVERY Sunday School. It's so frustrating; I know you've probably felt this>> way too -- that you KNOW you're intelligent and you KNOW your opinions are good but no one will let you talk. It drives me nuts, but I suppose it's just selfishness. Maybe that was why I liked speech so much. For like five minutes I got to say what I think.

    find me at:
    Dance A Real & walking in the air.

    P.S. I'm highly flattered you quoted me :)

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  4. Hi!
    I'm new to your blog, but I have to say your photos are absolutely lovely. And I related to what you wrote so much. I too struggle to form my thoughts and opinions in conversations. I think about everything being said and by the time I have something to say, well....... ;)
    I always formulate my best responses and opinions when the conversation is long gone and done with. I do much better with writing, as well, and agree that a pause button on conversations would be amazing.

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  5. Hallie, I've felt this way so many times and I have to say that I'm so thankful you shared this because I think MANY girls often fee this way but don't always want to admit that they do. I come from both sides of the spectrum because for me it really depends what crowd I'm with. Sometimes I'm the quiet, shy person who doesn't have much to say. Sometimes I'm the talkative outgoing leader of the group. In my workplace, I'm more shy and quiet. At theater rehearsals, I would say I'm half-and-half (no one can be completely shy in theater). With my friends and siblings I'm CRAZY!

    Part of it has to do with where you are in life. Pretty much all throughout high school I felt like I was the slow person. Compared with my sisters who always had something inspiring and insightful to say during discussions and Bible studies, I felt stupid. I eventually shared my sentiments with my sister Anna and she told me that I needed to stop comparing myself with my older sisters because all my sisters were just that...older. Of course they were ahead of me. Of course I felt behind. My sisters also told me that I would one day find my own direction, my own path and it wouldn't necessarily be the same one they took.

    All this to say that you shouldn't feel weird or slow just because your strengths and gifts aren't the same as someone else's. Maybe your talents and area of expertise aren't as noticable as others' but it doesn't make them any less valuable or real. SO SORRY for the super long comment...didn't really intend for that to happen. Thanks again for sharing and I'm looking forward to keeping up with your posts in the future. <3

    Dani from A Vapor in the Wind

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