saved

 

I hate to be vulnerable.

I don’t know why it’s always been so easy for me to lay my heart open raw on this screen, why I can somehow pretend here that there is no one reading my scariest and most honest thoughts… I suppose I deem the Internet so clotted with other voices that my own little whisper will be safely drowned out, so I will say things here that I might never have the courage to speak anywhere else.

Yet as much as I dread to be heard, I think I dread more that I won’t be.

This laying open, this flaying away of my heart’s iron shell hurts almost as much as the sin and pain I would conceal. Sunlight pierces the darkest parts of my soul, blinding me with the purity of Him against the blackness of me. Hard questions, hard truths chip and chisel till I’m bare, till my flesh lies prone under the sculpting blade, braced against the fear that He might suddenly throw away His careful work in favor of one justifiably angry strike.

But instead of a blade in my chest, there is a soft touch and a gentle voice, and I suppose they must have been right when they said that “we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”

Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace…

Confidence, in this pose of defenselessness? Confidence, as I lie helplessly guilty before the God of the universe? Is this how it will feel when I stand before His throne at the end?

…so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I have pushed relentlessly on the mortal strength of my own sinful heart for so long. I am panting for Him, but He cannot water an ironclad soul—not because He is unaware of its contents, but because I have ignored them. To see Him as He is requires me to first see myself as I am.

Helpless.

Wicked.

Deserving of wrath.

 

Saved.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16